*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
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My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please