Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.

Not today. 😅

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.

Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.

In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?