Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?

Me: Midnight77

BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets

I get Bi with a little help from my friends.