*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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In case you needed to hear it:
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
it’s so awesome that once a month i’m like “I HAVE to die. this feeling is 100% real and caused by the circumstances of my life” and then the next day I get my period
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Lube but for my dry humor.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”