*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
You Might Also Like
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?