*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
A friend helps you before you need it
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.