*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

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[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.


Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*


Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*


Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener


Me: I don’t make the rules Karen


rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants


I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.


It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.