My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I finished a sudoku today so I’m ready to do your taxes.
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.