*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
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When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
adam and eve had first world problems
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey