Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
You Might Also Like
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Cat.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
