Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards

Scrolls Twitter

*throws phone in holy water

What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?

how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????

Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?

Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.

Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.

Me: They’re vitamins!

me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?

her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”