wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
You’re the water to my grease fire.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”