wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
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Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.