A dating app for angry people- Grumble
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A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.