Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75

Who decided to play Jumanji?

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

[meeting with boss]

“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”

“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.

Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.

Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

everyone has that one prude friend

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.