Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.