Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Facebook marketplace is a different world
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
I didn’t come here to be called names
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays