Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
concern
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.