Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
You Might Also Like
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.