Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
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SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
I love the honesty
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne