Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Dear diary,

Day 1 (8 AM)

For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.

Day 1 (10 AM)

I’ve run out of food.

I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.

Go Soccers!

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies

Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.

Executioner: This is literally your last meal.

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND

Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?

Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp