Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York

ME: It’s The Hudson

HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.

WIFE: Oh ffs

Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.

Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.

And they’re almost the same age.

At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”

FRIEND: what’s new?

ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company

FRIEND: hertz?

ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier