Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
You Might Also Like
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
🙀🙀🙀😹
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP