Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
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My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s