Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
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ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.