“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados