Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”