Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Okay me first
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder