Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.