Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]