Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs