Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.