Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Here to help
I’m never leaving this app.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
A short story about romance.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.