Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
You Might Also Like
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*