Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

professor x: what’s your superpower

me: i get everyone fired

ex professor: what wait no

Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

🤣🤣

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.

It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.

My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means

Me: No, what?

H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9

Me: get out

I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.