Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
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That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
As the Lord intended
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
this came to me in a vision
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva