Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
And then there were 4
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother