(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge