Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?