Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
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No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?