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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.