Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Me: Where’s the remote?

Toddler: I didn’t eat it!

ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake

ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!

Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face

Prince Charming:

Friend:

Prince Charming: she left her shoe

[Biblical Times]

God: oh shit

Angel: what?

God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

🤭

My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.

Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.

People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny