Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:

7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

[petting zoo]

ME: *still petting the penguin*

DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is