“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
You Might Also Like
Hello Twits.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“FRAAANCE!”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Lunatics are gonna loon.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams