Her: [slow winks] The only place I take orders is right here… in the bedroom.
Me: I’d really love a BLT.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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Q: When is Santa’s birthday?
A: Since Santa comes once a year and he’s married, Santa’s birthday is December 25th
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?