“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
adam and eve had first world problems
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.