Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?