Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Ah..makes sense now
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
philosophical skeletons be like
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.