Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Married people be like:

[Quarantine, day 3]

It’s been 89 days since I last had sex

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.

Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much

*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

What fresh Hell is this?!?

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.