Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
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I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.