“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
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Blew out my flip flop…
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
work smarter, not harder
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”