Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer

Snoop: Murder was the case that they gave me.

Me: oh, mine was public urination, so same

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Me: But I was singing Britney Spears

Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”

Me: That’s a lyric

Bouncer: You were in the bathroom

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

A big dipper? in this astronomy?

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw

Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.