Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
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I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast