@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

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@weinerdog4life

When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.

@fuzzlime

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

@GinAndJif

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

@InternetHippo

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

@_mindflakes

Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds

@djdarrellripley

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

@IndecisiveJones

[right before the quest for the holy grail]

king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?

@GroperCleveland

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.