Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

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Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor


They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.


HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.


Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money


“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.