Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

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No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.


[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]


I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?


Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.


Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag


My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.


I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.