@RoosterMustache Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor
@themcgillicutty Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
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@RoosterMustache 
@junejuly12 They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
@TheAndrewNadeau HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
@Megatronic13 Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
@MelvinofYork I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
@FrenulumBreve [15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
@markleggett At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.
@grandpa pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money
@SortaBad “You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
@PinkCamoTO H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.