Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store? That's how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

[i walk in with broken ribs and face bleeding]
yeah but you should see the other guy!
[cut to: horse just chilling in a field enjoying life]

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

Smartphones don’t prevent people from feeling alive and getting in touch with nature.

I just walked into a tree.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas

It’s me, I’m the remote start.

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.

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