I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I have so many questions.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.