@themcgillicutty

Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.

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@RoosterMustache

Assert dominance over your boss by choosing an elevator button higher than the one he picked & act like its a big deal to wait for his floor

@junejuly12

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

@TheAndrewNadeau

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

@Megatronic13

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@FrenulumBreve

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

@markleggett

At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.

@grandpa

pilots on spirit airlines will walk into the cabin mid flight and ask you to venmo them gas money

@SortaBad

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

@PinkCamoTO

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.