@HomeProbably A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
@themcgillicutty Wanna hear me read a receipt from a trip to the grocery store?
That’s how interested I am in listening to the details of your workout.
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@HomeProbably 
@weinerdog4life When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.
@fuzzlime last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
@GinAndJif Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
@omgthatspunny Why is Santa’s sack so big? Because he only comes once a year.
@InternetHippo [noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
@_mindflakes Doctor: We need to double your meds
Me: Will I still be able to knit little capes for my hamster?
Doctor: We need to triple your meds
@djdarrellripley Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
@IndecisiveJones [right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
@GroperCleveland MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.