Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

Angel: how will humans start out?

God: small and helpless

Angel: how will they end up?

God: big and helpless

Angel: in between?

God: totally clueless

Angel: what is your deal man?

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be

Me: in a duck costume

Kurt Cobain: not like that

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

*weather drops 2 degrees*

me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant