Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
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dictator is short for richard potato
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Lmfaoooooo
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late