Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
You Might Also Like
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
🤣could you imagine
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.