Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
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Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Hmm, not sure about this change
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
🤝
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd