Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave