Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.

10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”

Husband:

Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.

[sees shark fin swimming toward me]

Oh no

[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]

Phew

[the boy is riding a shark]

Oh no

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime

In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

[shows up 2 hours late for interview]

Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…

I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.

I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.