Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
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frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
lmao
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?