Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?