Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway