Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
You Might Also Like
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I needed a laugh this morning.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??