Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
never forget
