Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
At this point, I’m not sure if my house is a mess or my mess is a house.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice