Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
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Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.