Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
umm…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Duck typos.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili