Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.

a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Wasps: bees, but not helping

As the best book lists of 2021 drop

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone

me: don’t worry I only breathe air

Breaking news:

[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.

First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Me: How long should I microwave this for?

Popcorn instructions: How should we know?

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now