Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery