Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
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My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.